***Of course I am a day late but better late then never***
So today I turn 33 years old and as I look back on the past 32 years I am happy with what I see. Yes I have failed many times but I have realized you cannot succeed without failure. I have raised two beautiful children, who I am proud and so very blessed to be able to watch them grow and be apart of their lives. My husband and I have reconnected and we are at the most wonderful stage of our journey. Everything has slowly began to fall into place. As the saying goes when one door closes another one opens:
I remember this time last year, I was sitting on my couch I had just gotten both my kids off to school and I was trying to remember what I did before I was a mother, before I had two living things relying on me 24/7. The reason for this thought was because I was home alone and trying to figure out what to do with myself, plainly put I was bored. So last year for me was a “figuring stuff” out year, a new beginning having both children in school and have time for myself.
This is all great and good and most moms would be so excited but at this time I was in a deep depression from my bipolar disorder, I was at the lowest I had ever been in my life. So this new found independence, free time was not good for the situation I was already in. I was blocking out all my emotions and was just a shell of a person. I wasn’t the mother or the wife I wanted/could be. My husband and I were having a tough time relationship wise also. I had totally isolated myself from everyone/everything in the world. My excuse…my back, it was my scapegoat, my back hurts, its spasming, blah, excuse, blah. It took my husband taking my children to his grandmother’s house for me to open one eye.
I am so grateful to be married to the man I am because most men would of thrown in the towel or cheated because I was showing no physical attention to him either. But instead he fought for us, he fought for ME. He stepped up in a way that he had never had to before. Before this happened I took care of everything in our lives he never had to worry about me or the children or half of what was going on in his own life because I managed all of it. But this time, this time was different everything that I did ended up falling on his shoulders and I’ll be damned if he didn’t handle it like a boss. Don’t get me wrong, his way was different but it worked. He made sure the kids were taken care of so he could focus on me and work. So he would go to work everyday, then see the kids and then come home to take of me. I would have good days where he could see the “real” me the Jen he fell in love with and he would get excited and hold onto that. Don’t get wrong though there were more bad days then good.
So one day I was cruising Youtube because that’s what I would do all day Netflix and Youtube. I found cannabis content. Now I already had my medical marijuana license for my pack problem but I was never a big smoker when I was younger, (I also didn’t know there was tons of different ways to take cannabis), and I was in to much of a depression telling myself that it wouldn’t make a difference. But I saw this cannabis content by Arend Richard, Evil Evelyn, Macdizzle, and Koala Puffs (links to their websites at the bottom of the page), and they intrigued me. So I spent the day watching them and something in my head said “hey it wouldn’t hurt to try this plus it would be nice to feel some kind of emotion.” So I went to the dispensary and got some goodies. Let me add before going I had done some research on what good strains for anxiety and depression (I gave up on using it for pain relief which was stupid lol wake up call it works for pain too). So I picked up a sativa and went home jumped on youtube and smoked with this wonderful people. All I have to say is how AMAZING I felt that night. But of course my crazy mind was telling me it was a placebo effect from watching cannabis content and mimicking what I see. But I convinced myself it didn’t matter I was finally smiling and feeling something. So I kept on medicating, because even hubby noticed if I didn’t medicate then I will become a b**ch and that is putting it nicely.
So while this is all going on my mom invites me to go on a mother daughter vacation to Seattle, Wa. This is something my mother and I use to do often but with me having children now its harder to get away alone. So this was very nice surprise something I needed but didn’t know I needed. I was so excited because Washington is a rec state meaning anyone over 21 years of age can purchase and consume cannabis. When we got to Seattle our first stop was the dispensary because I was in so much pain from flying. When I walked in I was BLOWN away!!! I’m sorry but Connecticut you need to catch up.
Something happened in Seattle…I finally found myself again. This was the first time in 9 years that the only person I had to worry about was myself, now don’t get me wrong I am always worrying about my children but the fact that I was on the other side of the country and had no control over what happened at home (I also knew they were in great hands staying with grandma for the week don’t get me wrong hubby was there too be he can’t do alone more than a day or two, like I said he can handle things just in a different way and he needs more help and there is nothing wrong with that). So all I concentrated on was me and I had full support of hubby. We also re-connected, we face timed all the time catching up and making up for lost time. It was amazing, I felt like I was the “old” me and I was ready to take on the world.
We spent a lot of time exploring forest and waterfall hunting so I had a lot of alone soul searching time in nature which I’ve always felt a very special connection to. I realized why I was so depressed besides being bipolar but what triggered such a bad depression episode that lasted almost 2 years:
It all started in December of 2015 when I lost my grandmother who was a second mother to me. I was holding a lot of regret because the last year of her life I didn’t see her a lot because she had a stroke, then got dementia, so she was just a shell, my grandmother was gone. Something happened on this trip I got this overwhelming feeling my grandmother wouldn’t want me to have this regret and that it was okay to live my life, she knew I loved her and she was one of my heros. I finally made peace with her passing, knowing that she is still with me today cheering me on in my heart.
Ok maybe handling that on its own, I would still be depressed but not as bad but then tragedy struck me again in September 2016 my beautiful wonderful doberman King crossed the rainbow bridge. He was a beautiful black and tan. We found a tumor on his leg April 2016 and they removed the leg and said they got all the cancer and he was doing amazing on three legs. Before he had the surgery I made him a promise that I would do everything I could to keep him around but once it affected his quality of life I was gonna have to let him go. He had chemo and was doing great but then in September he started coughing and having trouble breathing and I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard for my dog to have pneumonia rather than tumors in his lungs. So we rushed to the vet she does x-rays and sure enough its tumors. So it was time and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, I cuddled him til he was gone and this was something that took me awhile to make peace with. I also thought there was more I could do, but while in nature in Washington I felt like he was there hiking with me and in that moment I knew I would see him again and that like my grandma he wasn’t really gone.
So there you have it ladies and gents that main reasons why Jen was a depressed mess for almost two years. So this was in June of this year I came to all these realizations and when I got home even my hubby saw a difference. I made a promise to my babies that I wasn’t going to be lazy mommy anymore because I’m sick of watching time pass by that I will never get. I made a goal to have a job by September when the kids went back to school. Yes my husband has an amazing job that would allow me to stay home and for us to still be comfortable but I want to go on vacations other than camping (don’t get me wrong I love camping) but I want a cruise ha ha and I want my own money. So I was sending out my resume and not really getting any bites but I wasn’t worried but I was focusing on getting my house in order and getting the kids on a schedule as everything was shit for two years ha ha. So the job was important but not at the top of the to do list. But like I said in the beginning one when door closes another opens so the door of having my children home 24/7 has closed and now a new door opened for me as a manager and the possibilities on where this job can take me are endless and I’m so excited. I am so excited for the future now, I can actually dream up a future!!!
So let’s recap: I got the kids on a schedule, I got my house in order, and I got a job the very last thing (thank God I have a somewhat patient husband) was my relationship. At this point we had turned into roommates. So it was gonna be a fight because that’s just who we are two very stubborn people. But we both know when the fighting stops is when our relationship will be over because you don’t fight for something you don’t care about anymore plain and simple. Anyone bug overheard hubby and I arguing and talking about divorce and when hubby left bug came in all nervous and worried we were gonna get a divorce but I was just giggling because how mad my husband was and I knew that we were going to be okay. So I told him not to worry and he went back to playing video games. So we had our blow up and then we texted and when he got home we made up….lol…and now we are finally on the same page and no longer roommates.
So to sum up my birthday post I am 33 years old, I finally feel like an adult, I have accepted my bipolar disorder and I know how to handle it and I finally have my life on track with a plan. Hard work pays off and don’t be scared to fail because if you never fail you’ll never succeed.
Websites to check out!!!!
Weedtube– this was made by cannabis creators because youtube was shutting everyone’s channel down. If you click on Koala Puffs you will see it links to the weedtube because she was deleted off of youtube.