So I will be 33 in 2 days and today for the first time I actually feel like I am an adult. It happened while driving my children to school. As I am driving I realize that I finally have my adult pants on and not only that but I feel like an adult. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I am just becoming a wife and mother, because I have always been a wife and mother that came easy to me it was this whole becoming an adult, having control of the direction of my life.
Let me explain as this may be confusing for some, what I mean by control of the direction of my life is that up until this point I have allowed others, (close family members) to control the flow of my life. I let them tell me what I needed to do, when I needed to do it, what my schedule was like, etc. and I just let them do it. It was easy to not have to make decisions on my own, to not be the one to have to come up with a solution to the problem. Let others stress about it and just pretty much hide under my rock. So that’s what I did, I let others control everything around me and although my license says I am 32 years old I am really acting like a spoiled 16 year old.
So here I am a spoiled 16 year old stuck in a 32 year olds body, with a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I had a wake up call this summer, I don’t know what it was but something inside my head clicked over and suddenly I didn’t want to “be along for the ride” I wanted to DRIVE!!!!! I finally realized I only have this one life to make my own and took my own advice of “your children are only little for a short time enjoy it”. I got off the couch that was the first step. Step number two was to be more involved with my children and so I put all my effort into spending time with them and soon the mom in me took over. I was back to making home made meals and not just ordering take out, cuddling and watching movies. Then, step three was to make a life for myself. Both babies are in school now and mama needs something to do during the day and not just sit on the couch trying to make sense of random thoughts. So I got a job, something for myself.
The fourth step was to fix my relationship with my husband. Seeing as all my focus was either on myself or my children, my husband and I slowly became roommates who co-parent. My emotions had been shut off for so long that my husbands emotions shut off too. Don’t get me wrong we loved each other still, we didn’t want anyone else we just had to rekindle the love we knew was there. Now the way normal couples do this is maybe going out for date night or maybe even a romantic getaway to rekindle their love….nope not us we fight and I mean FIGHT!!!!! Capital F…FIGHT!!!!
So I have been slowly turning my life around for the past 2 months and I have finally gotten myself into a good routine. Now during these 2 past months my hubby has completely checked out, he is never home always at his moms or work. So I’m starting to get angry because I’m finally not a blob on the couch and now he is checked out. (Let me add in here the whole time I was hiding under my rock on the couch he was there pushing me to get up, trying to show me attention, etc) So this is totally out of character for him. So he tells me that he was sick of pushing and me not responding and now that I’ve finally got out from my rock that he can’t just flip a switch back to the way things were and I tell him well does he want me to go back to my rock of course he doesn’t. So things are good, he says he is going to try and we spend Friday night cuddling and watching movies. Well Saturday he wanted to….well you know…so I told him after the kids went to bed well he fell asleep with the kids and I couldn’t wake him up. Let me preface this with saying we haven’t had “alone” time in weeks and “alone” time is the way my hubby feels loved. So, I end up falling asleep and wake up from a nightmare and having to pee and when I have a nightmare I want to cuddle. So I come back from the bathroom and go to reach over to my husband and he is not there. So I go out to the living room…nobody…so I grab my phone and he sent me a msg that he is pissed and that this isn’t going to work and he is going to be at his moms and is going to the court house on Monday. So I tell him to bring my car home and if he is going to throw a 12 year relationship out over sexy time then he can live with that. (This whole time I’m giggling to myself because I know this is what has to happen..its the MO of our relationship we are fighters) So he comes home and throws the keys at me and goes and lays in the living room waiting for his dad to come and get him. When his dad gets here he comes in the bedroom to change and starts telling me how he is going to file on monday..blah blah blah (yeah I tuned him out laughing). So he leaves, and my son comes in the room and this conversations ensues:
Bug: Mom, so you and dad are getting a divorce?
Me: No baby don’t worry about it.
Bug: but mom I heard dad say that you are getting a divorce
Me: Yes baby daddy is mad right now remember how I told you the other night that when we fight we usually separate because we don’t want to say mean things to each other that we don’t mean?
Me: well daddy stayed home a little longer than usual he is just really frustrated right now so he is saying things he doesn’t mean its okay baby your daddy is stuck with me forever
Bug: okay mom
So yeah. That’s always fun to deal with but honestly I don’t mind because I hope it shows him conflict resolution and that yes when your mad things can be said that aren’t meant. Anyway hubby ends up leaving and I start sending him silly things through messages and explain to him what actually happened the night before ehmm I wanted some “alone” time too he wasn’t the only one that was pissed. So he comes home and we make up and everything is better between us.
Sorry I don’t know how I got off on that tangent but yeah so that last step getting my relationship back thats a check. The last step is putting it all together, meaning living as an adult and this morning while bringing my children to school I finally felt it.
I FELT LIKE AN ADULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can finally say after 32 years 11 months and 29 days I am an adult!!!!! It feels good honestly and what this means to me is that I finally feel like I know what I am doing and what I want to do. I can finally see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. I feel like I can breath. I am not saying life is now all of a sudden easy…HELL NO the opposite is true its harder because my eyes are open and I am finally dealing with my own problems instead of letting others solve them for me. This past week was crazy stressful, but together hubby and I got through it. Making this weekend very nice. I spent the weekend relaxing with my loves and it was so nice the babies weren’t fighting and it rained all weekend so we just hung out in the house opened the windows turned the a/c off. We found out we got the new house we wanted so we will be moving soon we are so excited.
This is honestly the first time I can say I am taking control of my life and living it right and actually taking care of things instead of relying on others to do it for me.
Remember death is coming for everyone its gonna happen maybe not today, or tomorrow but it will happen all we can do is make the BEST life with the days we have now!!!!!!!!!